TOP TEN THINGS I DESPISE
(originally published on Facebook on Saturday,
I’m going to attempt to explain my pet peeves about clubbing/pubbing (and LORD knows I’m a patient girl) with quotes from my daily addiction…..
Dr. George O’Malley: Uh, Mr. Mackie I can’t go out with you. You’re not my type, I mean, you’re a guy.
Lloyd Mackie: George, I knew you weren’t gay.
Salah Aiming…Miscommunication, call it what you will. Imagine this, a hot, tall, be-spectacled Nordic Blond is shaking his patootie to Def leppard’s Pour Some Shugar On Me and he catches your eye. You both look at each other, mouthing the words, moving in for the dirty dancing moment.
UNTIL…(cue evil music) HIS SKINNY CHINESE BOYFRIEND lunges over and spitefully says to your face within biting distance and spits, “STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN!”
Dr. Meredith Grey: You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears.
Its a fairy-tale moment. A Chris Martin look-alike who smells of vanilla and peaches is getting his groove on right next to you. He’s just finished work…dressed in those tight tight tight pants with rolled up sleeves. Sounds perfect doesn’t it? He’s standing next to you at the bar as you wait for a drink…he leans over and…
ASKS YOU TO GIVE HIM YOUR FREE DRINK FROM LADIES NIGHT. PLUS SOME FOR HIS MATES.
This is even after you CALL him on being cheap. The blighter is still gunning you for a fucking drink. As the staff at the bar look at you with that “what the hell” look, you slowly move into the background and suddenly a great disdain for Coldplay begins to grow.
Prince Charming just became a dickwad.
Dr. Meredith Grey: At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross.
The philipino band is really rawking out. They are playing your favourite Bon Jovi number with absolute gusto. The club is filled with hot guys. You are getting amazingly drunk. Things are going SOOOO well until…some-bo-dy cuts the cheese. No its not complimentary cheddar with your wine. Its a god awful fart on the dancefloor that instantly sends you scrambling for air. You can tell someone had some bad mayonaise or indian vegetarian meal that combusted into a death vapour. This absolutely pisses me off.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know; maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.
Everyone else doesn’t work on Sundays…but lo and behold, you do. Everyone else is ready to party like its 1999, drink till the sun comes up and dance like dogs on E, but within the inner crevices of your mind, you know that tomorow is going to HURT LIKE HELL. In fact, its so normal for you to work on holidays and weekends, you feel weird on your days off. So you say, ok, I’ll stay at home and “sleep early” for a change.
(LOUD BUZZER SOUND)
That plan is not going to work muchacho. After staying at home you realise why you’ve been drinking late all these months. You drink because staying at home SUCKS like a Hoover VACUUM! You end up with 3 hours of sleep and feeling even more cheated than before because your head is pounding like a hammer from not having a least ONE beer.
Dr. Alex Karev (speaking to Meredith): When your life is sucky you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate men. It’s your thing.
Do I need to explain this one?
Dr. Cristina Yang: What are you doing?
Dr. Meredith Grey: Sitting here with my penis.
You have a boring boyfriend who just happened to tag along with you and subsequently SPOIL your night out. Brother doesn’t even buy you drinks. Sits there. Can’t dance. Makes you feel like a mouldy sponge. Even worse, glowers at your friends who brought out thier FUN boyfriends and are having the time of thier lives.AAAck.
Dr. Isobel “Izzie” Stevens: You said before, *I am not your sister*. Do you feel like I was emasculating you?
Dr. George O’Malley: No. I’m too masculine to be emasculated.
Its always the case. Women who are so used to being the “man of the house”, “man of the office”, “man of the group” tend to cut off the family jewels of any man who genuinely shows any interest. A normal looking bloke walks up to you, buys you a drink, and acts like a perfect gentleman, tastefully averting his eyes while you adjust your bra. You trash talk a perfectly good guy who has approached you because you are drunk…only to realise that he wasnt that bad to begin with…and then you kick yourself in the face because here’s one guy who could have been a nice bloke. He could have been…THE ONE.
Jane Burke: Do you know when to walk away? Do you know when not to take less than you deserve?
You’ve been working really long days. You havent even had time to use the john, let alone have lunch and tonight is your first night out in weeks. So you get dressed, do your hair, get really excited that you are heading to this nice spot everyone’s been raving about. You walk in to find:-
1)Bitches from secondary school who point at you and laugh at you, saying mean shit while you ask the waiter if they have any beers under $25 per bottle.
2)Your ex-bf making out with some ho’ in the corner. He sees you and decided to go for TONSIL HOCKEY 2009 Grand Finals. And still, you secretly love him.
3)Your corporate clients…your MARRIED corporate clients enjoying lap dances and “lollipops” that are not kosher in anyway…(only applicable at KTV bars in joo chiat though)
So do you know when to walk away? Or do you stand there, dumbfounded, wondering why these things still affect you with your mouth open and head askew?
Dr. Meredith Grey: Denial. It’s not just a river in Egypt. It’s a freakin’ ocean.
Its hurts to say this but the slutty tops you used to fit into, the stringy numbers that you bought from This Fashion at $18 which look branded,,,yes those size 10 tops. They dont fit, they wont ever fit…you AY-GAIN.
So get a big bag, put in those Mango tops and jeans and branded what-evas and pass them to your teenage cousin to start continue-ing your skanky legacy.
and no…they most probably wont fit until you go for a run and axe the Beard Papa custard puffs. Ditto for those Charles and Keith shoes in size 7 and a half, those killer heels in Chilli RED that you bought at 35% discount..but your shoe-size is 9.
Your standing in line for the taxi. A couple of high profile bitches walk by. Drunk like rabak and hanging off the arms of some really happy yet ugly guys. You know what’s gonna happen. They are gonna get laid by some really happy yet ugly guys.
While looking at them, they let thier inner HDB whores come out and scream in thier relative languages, “Kuah Simi Kuah?” or “Tengok aper Bitch?” or “ What are you looking at balls?” or “Yenna Di Pakareh?”
While thinking of a Thambi kay Siow seminal number…you just smile to yourself not because you are the bigger person, but because the bitches’ fake eyelashes are hanging at the edges. Ah…life can be beautiful.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Okay, here it is, your choice… it’s simple, her or me, and I’m sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.
So you fancy this guy right. You had a bad day at work right.
You went to the pub you guys always go to and he’s there right.
And seeing that you live your life on the edge, you decided (coupled with your alchoholic bravery fueled by cheap Strongbow Cider during happy hour) that now is the time when you want to say the most “tangkap” line in the history of mankind to this boy you dream about.
You let it rip. Meredith style.
In all nakedness you stand there and watch his face turn from “typical flirtation” to “oh my god, stalker lady!” And suddenly, its better than sucking on a lemon. You sober up and watch his body language change and he tells you that maybe you “mis-read the friendship”.
OW! PASUKAN….TEMBAK! (imagine a group of 50 NS man just letting thier AK47’s fly at your bullet riddled body).
Suddenly the $50 you spent on getting smashed went to waste, and your ears are redder than a Singtel corporate logo.